The Age Blogs: Music

There’s a bunch of new “blogs” happening at The Age newspaper website, including some musically-oriented content.

It pleases me (and somewhat surprises me) that the Noise Pollution blog is being penned by a metal-head – who’s a female !

Rock critic and (RRR) broadcaster Clem Bastow : I listen to metal when I’m happy, sad, contemplative and industrious.

The most recent post is a great read, with an introspective view of heavy-metal musical fans & genre – following a frustrating stand-off with a (in)convenience store clerk.   The title says it all : In praise of \m/ METAAAALLL!!! \m/.   

In particular – the following made me laugh :

Metal Sub-Genres Explained     (I bet you never thought there were so many !)

You know how the story goes – there’s a beautiful princess trapped in a castle guarded by a dragon.

This is how the story would play out, depending on the metal genre of the knight:

POWER METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL: The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f–ks her.

HEAVY / CLASSIC METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f–ks the princess.

FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave without the princess.

VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f–ks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, and drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its guts in front of the castle, f–ks the princess and kills her. Then he f–ks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f–ks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f–ks it for the last time.

DOOM: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That’s the end of the sad story.

PROGRESSIVE (PROG) METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year at the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.”

That last one made me laugh the most !  …and I know of a few readers who may have a chuckle also. 

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